Grieving the Addiction

Grief, as defined by Dictionary.com is “keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss; sharp sorrow; painful regret.” How often in early recovery are the feelings of grief expressed? “I can’t function without it.” “I can’t stand feeling this way.” Taking away the additive substance and behavior brings grief. The process of recovery brings the antonym of grief Joy. Grief must be accepted as a natural part of addiction recovery.

Step one of Alcoholics Anonymous states; “we admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.” Regardless of the substance or behavior one is powerless over, with addiction, life does become unmanageable. Emotional conflict arises when addictive behavior, which at one time was helpful, begins to have painful consequences. At one time it eased emotional pain. Now it causes physical, mental, and spiritual suffering.

As a therapist and addictions professional, I understand the necessity of experiencing grief. It is a raw emotional process where the client learns the consequences of substance abuse and takes responsibility for their behavior.

Recently, a client was discussing the concern her partner expressed regarding her drinking. “I know I have acted like an ass after having too much. But that is because I don’t eat enough during the day.” As the conversation progressed she admitted several affairs following drinking binges. Finally, her reality was spoken. “I like to drink, I can be social. I don’t know if I can give all of that up.”
For this client drinking was an effective coping mechanism. It allowed her to “feel” better about herself. She did not feel as self conscious. She felt she was in control. Eliminating these behaviors was a frightening idea. Addicted she felt a sense of empowerment and control. She doubted her ability to be as successful sober.
Living in addiction is all encompassing. It is as much a part of everyday living as sleeping, working, and playing. Recovery changes many aspects of life. Think about life routines and our family connections as a mobile hanging from the ceiling. All of the interconnected pieces hang in balance. Once the winds of change begin to blow, the pieces of the mobile are disrupted. In early recovery the changes are perceived as the loss of familiar routine, and the loss of comfortable relationship roles. In recovery a new balance and stability is created.

Many losses are experienced as recovery is pursued. Addiction involves an avoidance of responsibility and accountability. In recovery the addict is giving up the freedom of acting impulsively and taking responsibility for their life choices.

It is often said to obtain recovery the addict must give up people, places and things. Being asked to give up friends made through addiction seems excessive to the individual in early recovery. The people in our lives, whether they are healthy or unhealthy, provide sources of support and comfort. Those same comfortable feelings are associated with certain places and things such as bars, neighborhoods, and paraphernalia. Grieving the loss of the familiar is necessary as the individual in recovery begins to create a new kind of life.