Divorce is an awful experience for children.  It is heartening to note, however that divorcing parents have a great deal of control over the way their children mange the divorce. Generally before parents decide to divorce, they have been through many events that have lead to the decision to end the marriage.  Children may or may not be aware of their parents' decision. 

In some families, parents may openly argue in front of the children.  This behavior leaves the children suspecting  that something is going on.  Other families keep their disagreements from the children.   Regardless of the family dynamics, when the parents decide to divorce, the children need to know.   This article's purpose is two fold: first, to help you understand  a child's thoughts and feelings when their parents decide to divorce.  Second, to provide strategies to assist in talking to children about divorce. Before divorcing parents can talk to their children, they need to understand what is happening developmentally.  Children grow through fairly predictable stages of development.  These stages affect children in their physical, mental and emotional growth.  Having an understanding of these stages of development prepares a parent to effectively communicate on a level their child can understand.

A child's understanding of divorce

chart adapted from  MU Extension, university of Missouri Columbia

Talking with children about divorce

Children's reactions are related to how the parents decide to tell the child about the divorce.  Parents need to consider carefully how they will tell the children and what they will tell them.  If at all possible the family should meet together.  This process allows the children to ask questions of their parents.  It can also help the parents to avoid blaming each other.  Prior to this family meeting the parents should discuss specifically what to tell the children.  With prior planning, parents can stay calmer which in turn helps the children remain calm.  This family meeting should be repeated in time to address other questions and concerns the children may have. A family meeting may seem like an impossibility to a couple facing divorce.  It is a time where the contentions of the adult relationship needs to take a back seat to the needs of the children directly affected by the divorce.

What do the children need to know?  Children can often become confused with too much information.  They need to know their needs will be met, their routine will stay as intact as possible.  They need to know they are not to blame for their parents divorce.  Children need to know their relationship with both parents will continue and be supported. Children also need to know the truth.  Although some information may be too overwhelming for a child to hear (i.e. extra marital affairs, abuse or addiction), information can be given to a child about the divorce at an age appropriate level.  As time goes by, the child may need more information to clarify their understanding of the divorce.  Above all, the parent does not want to get into a situation where they must retract a statement  as a lie.  This erodes the safety and security of the family. In that their world has been completely altered it is helpful to tell the children what will remain the same.  It is important at this time that a parents words and actions match.  Follow through on the plans set forth to the children is important.

Older children (4+) need to know the divorce is final. There is a temptation to tell children whatever may make them feel safe.  Statements such as "nothing will change" or "You will see dad as much as before"  are empty reassurances.  The children know this will not happen. The parents want to avoid giving the children false hopes the parents will reunite.  This would be the appropriate time to restate the divorce is not their fault.  Children, in an attempt to make sense of  the trauma of divorce, will interpret their behavior (misbehavior, bad grades in school) as the reasons for the divorce. They tend to feel guilty which leads to feeling a lack of self worth. Children will have fears and concerns regarding the changes ahead.  Take these concerns seriously.  Parents need to listen to what their children have to say.  It is important for all of us to feel validated and recognized.  Parents can demonstrate care and concern by listening closely to what children have to say.  It is important to validate their feelings and thoughts.  This behavior will demonstrate a parent's ongoing commitment to their children.

Making it easier for the children

There are some basic things parents can to do make the transition of divorce easier for all children.

1.Listen.  Parents need to make themselves available to listen to he concerns and questions of their children.  Children need to talk about their own conflicts and confusion.

2. Be as honest as possible.  To the extent that it is possible, have discussions about the divorce with both parents present.

3. Do not try to over compensate for an absent parent.  

4. Parents should not use the children to ferret information back and forth between households. The children are not messengers.   It is inappropriate to ask the children to be a spy.  If the children do not want to talk about the time spent with the other parent, leave it as that.  

5. Reassure the children often that they are not to blame.

6. Spouses should not argue while the children are listening.   Conflict witnessed by children during and after the divorce adversely affects their adjustment.

7. Maintain normal routines and activities to the greatest extent possible.

8. Try to be consistent with rules and discipline in each house.

9. Do not use the children as a pawn.  The children deserve to have quality time with both parents.  Don't make the children decide between their parents.

10. Take care of yourself.  You will need to nurture yourself so that you can in turn nurture your children.

11.  Make every effort to maintain consistent contact with the children - even if there are geographic boundaries.

12. Don't make promises you cannot keep .  Too often divorcing parents make promises they cannot keep.  These promises are born out of their own guilt. Children do not forget the promises their parents make.  Following through on a promises reinforces a sense of safety and security.

13.  Don't criticize your spouse or their family in front of the children.

14. Your child is not your confidant.  Let your child be a child.  Deal with your personal feelings by networking with friends or through outside help.

Resources

Dinosaurs Divorce: A guide for changing families  Laurence Krasney Brown and Marc Brown (1986) Little and Brown Company.  This book is designed for young school-aged children and their parents to read together. The stories of the Dinosaur family coping with the issues of divorce are presented in a cartoon strip.  Common issues, problems, and solutions are discussed.

Helping your Kids Cope With Divorce the Sandcastles Way  M. Gary Neuman LMHC 1998 GKN Corp

Divorce Poison Richard A Warshak 2001 Harper Collins