Building A Healthy Family

Children Learn What They Live If children live with criticism, They learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, They learn to fight. If children live with ridicule, They learn to be shy. If children live with shame, They learn to feel guilty. If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient. If children live with encouragement, They learn confidence. If children live with praise, They learn to appreciate. If children live with fairness, They learn justice If children live with security, They learn to have faith. If children live with approval, They learn to like themselves. If children live with acceptance and friendship, They learn to find love in the world. Dorothy Law Nolte

Healthy families are built over time, through adversity and with patience.    As parents, it is our responsibility to feed, nurture and grow our healthy families.  All human beings go through the same stages of development in more or less the same time frames.  Although there are children and adults who have challenges in development, the stages are the same, as  are the needs felt by individuals.  

Over the past decade, a tremendous amount of research has been conducted on brain development. It is not surprising to find the years of early childhood have the greatest impact on brain development.   As the poem above suggests, a child learns what he or she lives.  An infant's life experiences develop the brain and in fact teaches the brain cell that are what is important in the child's world.   These lessons are learned by repeated experiences.  As an experience is repeated, such as mom or dad respond to baby when she cries, the brain is learning there is safety in the world.  When appropriate experiences are not available, such as baby is left alone and isnt being stimulated, the brain pathways are cut off the baby is denied necessary learning experiences.  Without a variety of experiences, the baby cannot develop new brain connections.  By the time a child is 4 years old the basic pathways of the brain is built.

When we look at brain development, we must also consider the impact of the child's living environment.  The brain is filled with nerves and chemicals.  In a healthy brain these work together to combat natural and transient stressors.  However, if a child lives under constant stress, the brain will increase the levels of two chemicals cortical, and adrenaline, during brain devlopment.  This causes the brain to set up brain pathways that cause the child to react inappropriately to normal stimuli.  For example, a child brought up in a home of violence may learn one of the three responses to fear- flight, fight or freeze.  Those reactions provided some sense of safety in their younger years.  As adults, they may still use those responses and find themselves freezing when approached by a stranger asking for the time of day.  A child who is raised in an environment where a caring parent or adult demonstrates care and models appropriate reactions to stress, becomes resilient and able to cope effectively with stress.

Brain research clearly shows that the environment and care given a child have a powerful impact on a child's potential development. So what do we do to maximize the development of healthy families and healthy children?  Lets look first at what individuals need in their lifetime.  American Psychologist Abraham Maslow (1908-1970) "developed a theory which describes a process by which an individual progresses from basic needs such as food and sex to the highest needs of what he called self actualization- the fulfillment of one's greatest human potential" ( Encarta).  The hiearchy of human needs as described by Maslow include:

1. Physiological or Basic Needs: these are the needs necessary for survival- food, water, shelter, avoidance of pain, or injury, sleep, sex and sensory stimulation. The motivation to satisfy these needs is higher than any other need.

2. Safety Needs: Safety is associated with order and predictability in the environment.  These needs include a desire of orderliness and routine and a preference for the familiar over the unfamiliar.  Failure to meet these needs lead to fear and a distrust of the workings of the world.

3. Belongingness or Love Needs:  There are two types of love needs.  The first is the love and affection between family members and close friends.  The other is a sense of belonging or identifying with larger groups ( work, clubs, church).  Failure to meet these needs lead to feelings of rejections, isolation and a lack of trust.

4. Esteem Needs: These needs involve our desire to have recognition and attention.  Without these needs being met we have a lack of self confidence and live with self doubt.

5. Self Actualization: This refers to the fulfillment of our human potential.  This need takes on the strongest motivation only when the other more basic needs have been met.

A healthy family demonstrates specific traits.

• Communicates and listens to each of the family members.

• Validates and supports each other

• Teaches respect of others

• Creates an environment of trust

• Has a sense of humor and play

• Demonstrates a sense of shared responsibility 

• Teaches right and wrong

• Develops a strong sense of family through rituals and traditions

• Shows a balance of interactions among all the family members

• Has a shared religious core

• Values providing service to others

• Respects the privacy of one another

• Creates family time and conversation

• Shares leisure time

• Admits to and seeks help with problems.

Childhood Decides 

Love abundantly.....The most important task is to love and really care out your child.  This gives him or her a sense of security, belonging, and support .  It smoothes out the rough edges of society.

Discipline constructively.....Give clear direction and enforce limits on your child's behavior.  Emphasize "Do this" instead of "Don't do that"

Spend time with your children.....Play with them, talk to them, teach them to develop a family sprit and give them a sense of belonging.

Give the needs of your mate priority.....One parent put it this way; " A husband and wife are able to be successful when they put their marriage first.  Don't worry about the children getting 'second best.'  Child centered households produce neither happy marriages nor happy children".

Be realistic..... Expect to make mistakes.  Be aware that outside influences such as peer pressure will increase as children mature.

Develop mutual respect..... Act in a respectful way toward your children.   Say 'please" and "thank you" and apologize when you are wrong.  Children who are treated with respect will know how to treat you and others respectfully.

Really listen..... This means giving your children undivided attention , putting aside your belief's and trying to understand your children's.

Offer guidance..... Be brief. Don't give speeches. Don't force your opinions on your children.

Foster independence..... Gradually allow children more freedom and control over their lives.  One parent said, "once your children are old enough, phase yourself out of the picture, but always be near when they need you."

Teach your children right from wrong.... they need to be taught basic values and manners so they will treat each other with kindness, respect, and honesty.  Set personal examples of moral courage and integrity.

As you look at the list of traits of a healthy family, think about the needs each individual has as they live their lives. You will then understand the importance of the nurturing experiences in early childhood. Your children's future is in your hands.  It is up to us as parents to respond to our children's needs as we also care for ourselves.  Parents and children together can grow and reap the benefits of a healthy family.

 References

Florida Committee for Prevention of Child Abuse, "Childhood Decides"

MSN.com Encarta

Nolte, Dorothy Law, "Children Learn What They Live"

 Quigg, Claudia,  Baby TALK magazine "Implications for Parenting in the Early Years"